i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
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he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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