apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just forgot I was standing up.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
