I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
