No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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