ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
