She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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