Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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