whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
