when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
