these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
