I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
