he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
