it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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