My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
