I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
