did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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