There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
