I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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