Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
