Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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