Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
