My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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