I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
