My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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