he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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