I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
