I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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