I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
