you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
