filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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