Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
