so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Randomize
