the condom got lost in my hair
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
