You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Randomize
