"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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