My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he fucked my hip out of place.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
