I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
