My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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