And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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