Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
