Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
