Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
