just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need water and some morals
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
