i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
