it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You're like the curious george of whores
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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