Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
