i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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