The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
