stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
