FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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