when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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