So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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