Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
