my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
