he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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