She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
