fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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