Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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