I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
