So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
